


The Sneeze

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Erotica, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Heterosexual Sex, The Quidditch Pitch: Erotic Couplings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-13
Updated: 2006-11-13
Packaged: 2018-10-27 18:24:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10814322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: "Your problem," kiss, "is that you're thinking about it too much. You have to let it come naturally and then just let go."Hermione has to sneeze, but some things she just can't force, try as she may.  Ron lends a helping hand by showing her the fun in patiently waiting for release.Not much plot, just an excuse for smut and spewing of random facts about sneezes.





	The Sneeze

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: This was a nice little break from my two chaptered fics that I'm currently writing.  My muse seems to have taken a wee vacation from those two storylines, but she left me with my nose itching all day (hence the inspiration for this fic!).  Enjoy!  


* * *

The Sneeze  

 

*****  

I, Hermione Granger, was distracted.  One might say that this was a fairly normal occurrence for me, as I nearly always had five different projects I was juggling for work.  My distraction today, however, came in the form of an annoyingly common problem for me: I had to sneeze, but it refused to be released.    

 

My nose tickled slightly and I closed my eyes, hoping to trick my traitorous body into relaxing into the sneeze.  No luck. 

 

I sighed heavily, for the thirtieth time today, and turned back to work project number four- translating a selection of text from an ancient tome.  Now this was, of course, not a part of my job description, but I felt compelled to complete the project once asked.  This happened quite often, hence the existence of my five simultaneously running projects.    

 

Another tickle alerted my senses.  _Could this finally be it?_   I stilled my movements, took a deep breath, and...  _Nothing!_  

 

"Oh, for goodness sakes!  Out with it already!"   

 

I was usually a patient woman, but my limit was quickly drawing near.  I had been trying to sneeze for the better part of the day, yet had been thwarted in my efforts every time.  This was not acceptable, as it was bleeding into my mental resources and keeping me from successfully completing any of my tasks for the day.  Tickle.  _Damn._   _There it was again._  

 

Usually, when I was distracted, I tried all sorts of relaxation techniques.  My Aunt Georgina had studied Muggle Eastern medicine and philosophy and had taught me once about how to do breathing exercises.   _Well, this isn't helping._  I tried to focus my mind and complete one of her guided imagery techniques, but that had me doing nothing more than imagining the release of the sneeze.  _And oh, how nice that would be right now._    

 

I tried tensing and releasing the tension in my muscles, hoping for a sympathetic response from my mischievous nasal passages.  Those efforts received another itch and some breathlessness, but not enough to give me my long-sought release.   _Time to step it up._   I tried eating chili peppers and curried chicken for a late lunch.  The spices only pleased my palette, so I tried again.  I summoned some strong black pepper and inhaled deeply.  Aside from coughing and feeling quite foolish- _that was very daft indeed_ \- this also did not yield my desired results. 

 

By the end of the day, I was frustrated, tired, annoyed, and still wound tightly from having my goal elude me for hours on end.  _I can't take much more of this._   The itching and tickling in the back of my nose had moved from a sporadic hindrance to a consistent urge every five minutes.   

 

Too distracted to even attempt apparating home, I waited in the queue for the Ministry's main floo, scratching my nose in apparent irritation.   

 

"I'm home," I called out into the flat, dusting the floo powder from my cloak. 

 

Hanging up my cloak and robes and toeing off my heels, I padded into the kitchen to catch sight of Ron humming softly and stirring a skillet of sauce.  His bare right foot snuck across his left calf to scratch the skin through his jeans.  _Heaven.  It's his yummy jeans._    

 

I quietly crossed the small kitchen and wound my arms around my lover.  He startled slightly before relaxing against my body as I pressed lovingly into him. 

 

"You're early," I heard him say.  Without seeing his face, I could sense the smile crossing his strong features.   _The smile that is always my undoing._    

 

"Mmm," my response came out a slight grunt, though I had certainly intended it to be a sign of pleasure at being home with him sooner than expected.   _I guess I'm still irritated._   I placed an open-mouthed kiss between his shoulder blades (the highest place I could reach without standing on my toes) and squeezed him more tightly.  

 

Ron turned sideways in my embrace and tilted my head with his left hand, still stirring the sauce with his right.  _God, this man can multitask- and I know that in the best possible of circumstances._   His blue eyes bore into my brown ones, questioning me with a single glance.  

 

"You're frustrated.  I can't believe you're actually home if work is frustrating you.  Usually you come home two hours late after trying to fix the problem.  What's wrong?"   

 

I nearly snorted with delight at realizing just how well he knew me.  Yet another tickle.  I swear I'm going to die if it doesn't come out soon.   

 

"I have a problem that I just can't solve, no matter what I do."  _Oh, dear, I can practically hear the pout in my voice._  

 

He grinned widely at me, squeezed me one last time, and stepped out of my embrace to turn off the stove and grab plates.   

 

"That's it?"  I nearly stomped my foot in protest.  _How dare he?_   "I just told you I can't solve a problem and you grin at me like an idiot?" 

 

He turned back to me, still smiling at my discomfort.  _Prat._   I scowled back at him, but there was no venom in my look. 

 

"Dinner's ready," he said and kissed my temple as he walked past me with two steaming plates. 

 

I turned swiftly on my heel, watching him place the plates onto the tabletop and summoning two tall glasses of iced tea.    

   

"Am I to get no response from you?  Why did you even bother to ask?" 

 

"Well, you haven't told me what the problem is, so I thought I would try to cover all of my bases." 

 

"Cover your bases?" I asked as we tucked into the chicken-saucy-thing that he had made for dinner.  "But you haven't done anything."  _Am I missing something here?_  

 

Itch, deep breath, slight burning in the base of my sinuses, then- _Damn it, Ron!_  

 

"On the contrary, I'm doing something even now.  Can't you tell?"  He smirked at me in that self-confident way that both infuriated me and had me weak in the knees at the same time.  Unfortunately, this time he had impeded the progress of my coveted sneeze.  

 

"Ronald, you aren't being cute, so stop it."  I smirked back at him, knowing that my look was not even half as effective as his had been. 

 

"Well, at the moment, I wasn't trying to be cute, so I can't stop.  So, what's the solution to your problem?" 

 

If I could have gotten whiplash from the sudden change in topic, I would have.  

 

"Haven't you been listening to me?  I said that I don't know what the solution is."  I continued muttering to myself between taking bites of my dinner.   

 

"I was listening, love.  Normally, the problem is that you're simply thinking too much and trying too hard to concentrate.  I was trying to distract you so that the answer would suddenly appear to you, even though you've probably known it all along...  So... Since that didn't work, you want to tell me what the problem is?"  

 

He appeared contrite enough for me to believe he was trying to help.  In fact, thinking back on it, I thought perhaps he had used his distraction technique several times with me.  Sometimes he would get me to talking about something, and then my mind would seize upon the answer out of nowhere.  _Actually, that's rather brilliant.  Fancy that, he's been doing it for who knows how long and this must be the first time it didn't work._  

 

"Have I told you today that I love you?" 

 

"Yes, you told me this morning, but I'll never tire of hearing those three words grace your lips."  He smiled again, that dashing smile which shot arousal straight through my core. 

 

I scrunched up my nose, my mouth opened to gulp air, then the itching and burning receded.  _Thwarted, again.  I swear, if it wouldn't be so hazardous to my future life, I would hex my own nose off!_  

 

At his confused look, I felt compelled to give him the reason for my sour mood and petulance.   

 

"I have had to sneeze all day.  I'm not talking about 'all day' when I'm merely exaggerating.  I really mean it.  All.  Day.  Long.  It has been driving me crazy."  I came around to sit on his lap.  "I have tried everything I can think of to get it out, but it just doesn't want to come.  I've tried breathing deeply, relaxing, imagining, eating spicy food, smelling pepper.  You would think something would work."  I gave him my saddest puppy dog eyes and leaned forward.  _Mmm.  He's smells so good._   "Can't you make it better?  Fix it for me," I practically purred into his ear, before reaching my tongue out to lick the shell. 

 

"Ah," he began, "I think I know just- just- just-"  His voice rose an octave and his brain seemed stuck in a groove once I gently nipped the lobe.  "Hermione, you need to stop that or we'll never get that release I know you're dying for."  

 

I turned my head and kissed him deeply, shifting my hips so that I was fully straddling his body.   

 

I broke the kiss and whispered, "If I can't get one, I'll take something just as good." 

 

"Just as good?"  He tried to sound indignant, but the response of his body proved to me he wanted this as badly as I did.  "I'll have you thinking that sneeze is nothing after I'm through with you tonight."  

 

At that, he thrust his hips forward and caught my lips in a fierce kiss.  He wrapped his strong arms around my waist and stood suddenly, never breaking our connection.  _There's that coordination I so love.  Wonder where we'll end up this time._  

 

It turned out that my ride in Ron's arms was short-lived, as he walked into the living room and sat down on the piano bench. 

 

"You know, you can tell a lot about a person based on how they sneeze." 

 

I felt my hands moving to rid him of his shirt and reaching down to unbutton his jeans.   

 

"Really, Ronald.  I can't imagine what you could possibly understand from a sneeze." 

 

His fingers were mimicking mine, pulling my shirt buttons free of their slips, sliding the zipper of my skirt down.   

 

"Oh, loads of things.  For example, the way a person prepares for a sneeze is very telling of their organizational and motivational skills." 

 

Completely unexpectedly, he pulled the skirt over my head so that I wouldn't have to unwind my legs from around his waist.   

 

"Mmm."  _This is new._   I heard the sound of piano keys being lightly pressed, but was drowning in his kisses and did not care what we were doing to my beloved ivory. 

 

"It's true.  Think of how hard you try and prepare for things.  How about the way that you try to come up with every solution, try to be open-minded about things, want to hurry some things along to be as efficient as possible.  That's exactly what you are like when you are getting ready to sneeze." 

 

I tugged at his belt loops and he raised his hips slightly, pushing down his jeans and pants in one fell swoop.  _Finally._    

 

"Really?  And you've watched me get ready to sneeze often?" 

 

"Oh, yeah.  I loved it when you got allergies back at Hogwarts.  Your chest would heave and you would get flushed and bothered and would try to force it out.  It was passionate.  Everything about you fascinated me- still does." 

 

He leaned in to kiss me deeply, conveying in action what he had not said in words.  He broke the kiss and bent backward to grab his wand out of his discarded pocket.  Two flicks of his wand and my knickers disappeared and the gentle blue light of a contraceptive spell fell upon us.    

 

I leaned back and looked at his chest appreciatively.  Deciding to tease my love, I smiled coyly. 

 

"Now, tell me Ron, how is this supposed to be helping me with my little problem?"    

 

"Your problem," kiss, "is that you're thinking about it too much.  You have to let it come naturally and then just let go." 

 

His lips traveled to my neck, smoothed over my clavicle and stopped at the swell of my breasts.   

 

"That's another thing you can tell about a person from their sneeze.  How easy is it for them to relinquish control.  You hate giving that up to anyone, except to me on special occasions, and you even hate giving up the control to your own body." 

 

"Oh, is that right?"  I could hardly think of anything when he was kissing my like I was some sort of goddess.  As my nipple was sucked into his warm, wet mouth, I lost myself in the sensations that his body aroused in me.  

  

Flying.  I felt like I was soaring.  I giggled slightly, but he swallowed my levity with a particularly hard suck on my tongue.   _I hate to fly.  How ironic that I feel like I've flying and have never felt something more erotic in my life.  I mustn't tell Ron, or he'll insist we do it on a broom._   I shuddered forcefully, half from the thought and half from his fingertips which were tracing circles on my hips and thighs.   

 

Another brush of his fingers and I was again lost, only following the circular motion of his hand against my sensitive nub.   I felt a familiar climbing sensation growing behind my navel.  I could sense the wetness and want to come to completion.  I arched my back, curled my toes and allowed the electricity to flow through my veins.  I heard notes being thumped on the piano, as my arching body made contact.   

 

Ron continued to stroke my body, stringing out my climax as long as possible.  I felt overly sensitive and tried to give myself a couple inches of space.  "Oh, Ron... so good... nnngh... too much."  I kissed him deeply, his moan resounding deeply into my mouth.     

 

"Better than that sneeze you've been waiting for?" 

 

Without waiting for a reply, Ron plunged himself into my waiting body, pausing to enjoy the moment of fullness. 

 

"Maybe we can tickle the urge from the inside."   He bent his head down to capture a nipple again as he deeply thrust his pelvis towards mine.  Our bodies rocked together, up and down, shallow and deep.  I pulled myself as closely as I could into his body and squeezed my inner muscles around him, licking his salty neck. 

 

I felt the thrumming in my body building once more, searching for that high, hearing the peak of the music my arse was making on the keyboard.   

 

"You know the last thing that you can really tell about a person from their sneeze?"  He slid his hand between our bodies and deftly found the source of my undoing.   

 

"What's that?" I asked breathlessly, not caring at all about what he could possibly say, as long as he kept moving _right there_ like he was.  

 

"The best thing about hearing someone sneeze is knowing just what they look like and sound like when they come- are they timid, quiet, and reserved, trying to hide it and keep it in?  Or do they let it out, feel it, and get a huge relief from releasing the tension?" 

 

His thrusts were becoming more erratic and I knew he was as close as I was.  _Almost there._  

 

"And what does my sneeze tell you?" 

 

"You're afraid to let go, but once you do, it’s loud and wet and oh so relieving.  I loved watching you at Hogwarts all those years, because I knew that was exactly what you would look like when you came in my arms.  And you know, I always knew I would get to see it someday.  It was a preview."   

 

With his last words he twisted my clit unexpectedly and my muscles clamped down on him, milking both of our orgasms for all they were worth.   

 

Boneless and exhausted, I allowed my body to collapse into his, finally getting a reprieve from my piano digging into my bum and his fingers gripping my hips.   

 

He gently brushed my wet curls away from my face and kissed my cheek, my ear, my temple.  "I love you so bloody much.  You know that I do.  I'll never get enough of this, of you, of us." 

 

I raised my head to respond when out of nowhere, I sneezed.  _Oh, heaven, you have blessed me three times!_   It was the pinnacle of everything I had wanted throughout the day.  It was loud, and wet, and hard, and it felt so good. 

  

I looked at Ron who grinned widely back at me.  

 

"See, I told you."   

 

"So you did." 

 

"And now, every time someone sneezes, all you'll be able to think about is the way that they come." 

 

I thought how horrible that would be for the briefest of moments and realized that in this moment, I couldn't care less. 

 

_Finally sated._     

 

Fin. 

*****  

 

A/N:  Thank you for reading and for reviewing.  I hope you enjoyed it.  I live for reviews and they make my inbox very happy.  :o)


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